okay, i did a massive friends-cut. i kept everyone who commented in my last entry (unless i deleted you by accident, in which case i'll add you again). and if you look at your userinfo and see that you've been deleted but would like me to re-add you, just let me know and i gladly will :D

This is the last entry any of my "real life friends" will be able to read. unless you REALLY want me to keep you, and tell me so, i'm deleting all of you. it's nothing personal by any means. if anything it's better this way. i thought being able to talk about it with people i knew would make me feel better, but as of late that's proven to be untrue.

i'm not mad at anyone. not a single person. not even any of the people who have been attacking me/giving me wake-up calls/reality checks, or whatever you want to call it. i do appreciate the honesty, truly. it's a deep-down feeling, one that has to fight it's way to the surface through the initial feelings of hurt and anger and sadness and shame. but beyond me and my own feelings, and far more importantly, i realize that i am hurting my friends. yes they dont quite understand what it's like to be in my position, but hey. i dont know what it's like to be in their position either. defenseless against this thing, watching their friend hurt herself. so i'll spare you all. it's no biggie, i'm not mad at anyone.

so i just deleted all my "real life friends." but this is a public entry, meaning for those who REALLY want, i'll add them back, but there's no pressure, it's a nicer world without my bullshit.

for some reason my friends like to shoot me down when i'm feeling pretty. like last night. i got a makeover at a mary-kay party i went to, and i took pictures and posted them, and well, someone decided that i shouldnt have the right to feel at least semi-pretty. that i need to constantly be reminded that in actuality i am not, that i am gaunt and sickly-looking and that i've ruined myself. oh yes i know that my dear. but it's nice to be able to escape that and forget about it, even for just a little while.



edit:

i appreciate the honesty. i do need to be made aware of what's happening to me, especaly since i dont really see it or understand it (i'm still technically at a healthy weight, and to me i just feel like i look normal). it was just not a good time to bring it up. but i'm over it now. it's fine.

comment to be added. Spam for ED-related communities is ok too.